Tormented by The Trio
by LoveThatXander
Summary: The Trio’s latest evil plan involves getting at Buffy through Xander…and forcing them to relive their biggest past argument.


Title: Tormented by The Trio   
Author: LoveThatXander   
Disclaimer: I own nothing but the plot, everything else belongs to Joss and UPN (but I'm currently developing my own master plan to turn Xander into my sex slave. Bwa Ha Ha!)   
Spoilers: Everything up to All the Way (especially Dead Man's Party)   
Summary: The Trio's latest evil plan involves getting at Buffy through Xander...and forcing them to relive their biggest past argument.   
Rating: G, as in Golly Gee!   
Pairing: Buffy/Xander, of course. Will Joss ever see the light?   
Feedback: This is my third fanfic and, as always, I really appreciate your comments.   
Dedication: This one's for C-Man, Rob, lwbush, and Ghostrider for their feedback on my second fanfic. Get the hint, All Ye Who Are About To Read This Fanfic?   
  
Author's note: If you taped the 'Dead Man's Party' episode, you might want to watch it just to refresh your memory. *But you'll still be able to follow this fanfic without watching the episode!*   
  
Important author's note:   
* means what they had said originally   
** means what they say the second time around (in this fanfic)   
  
  
  
Surrounded by high-tech equipment designed to serve their evil purposes, the Trio focused on the task at hand with remarkable intensity. As they concentrated, beads of sweat trickled down their foreheads and they occasionally forgot to breathe. Jonathan's eyes suddenly went wild as he realised he was going to fail and that dire consequences would ensue. He was right.   
  
'Ah man! Mario Kart sucks', he whined as his car crashed.   
  
'Seems like *you* suck' Andrew happily rubbed in.   
  
They put the game away and quickly became bored while Warren appeared lost in thought. He was staring at the white board, which listed their evil goals.   
  
'So what now?' Andrew asked his short partner-in-crime. The latter just shrugged his shoulders. 'Hey, we could rate Star Trek episodes!'   
  
His enthusiasm failed to reach his friend. 'Nah, we've already done that'   
  
'Not the Next Generation episodes!', he replied, noticing Jonathan's excited reaction.   
  
'Make it so, Number One', he announced in a bad Picard imitation.   
  
They rushed around the room, gathering paper, coloured pens and clipboards.   
  
'Friends!', Warren suddenly yelled as he jumped up. 'That's it!   
  
Jonathan and Andrew looked at each other, confused.   
  
'Don't you morons get it?'   
  
'Yeah, I get it. The reception's not too good but it's worth it to just to see Rachel's boobs', Jonathan smiled, his mind accessing the image he'd permanently imprinted on his brain.   
  
'And Chandler is *so* cool!', Andrew added.   
  
'I'm not talking about the TV show! God, your combined stupidity is giving me brain spasms', he said as he clutched the sides of his head. 'I'm trying to tell you that the next step in our Master Plan to Defeat the Slayer is to eliminate her *friends* one by one. I mean, we've already tested her physical and mental abilities, and she passed. But she has a team backing her up, and I don't think she'd keep up with us too well if she was all alone!' He grinned, resting his hands on his hips, very pleased with himself. 'It's official. I'm an evil *genius*'. The other two discretely rolled their eyes. 'And I'm definitely the brains of *this* operation.'   
  
'It's true!' Andrew said, energetically nodding his head. They were stunned by the admission, especially Warren who realized he was finally getting the recognition he deserved.   
  
'She *does* have a support system!', Andrew finished.   
  
The self-professed genius exhaled loudly at the ignorance surrounding him while Jonathan struggled to keep from laughing, knowing he would get knocked upside the head if he didn't. After a moment of intense reflection, Jonathan spoke.   
  
'It's like Luke. He never could've defeated the Empire without Han, Chewy and Leia.'   
  
'Exactly!', Warren said as he pointed an intimidating finger at him. 'And R2D2 and C3PO'   
  
'So what do you mean by 'eliminate'?', Andrew asked in his nasal voice. 'I mean, they're pretty defenceless compared to our super villainous powers'.   
  
'What are you talking about? The old guy's a Watcher, the two chicks are witches, and the Peroxide Wonder's a vampire.'   
  
'What about the construction guy and the shop girl?'   
  
'Word is she's an ex-demon. But he just seems like a geek'   
  
'Well, I think we should start with him. I was at a party at the Slayer's house once and...'   
  
'Jonathan! *You* were in the *Slayer's* house?', Andrew whispered in awe of the fortunate man in front of him.   
  
Realising it impressed him, he continued in a cool, detached manner. 'Yeah, I used to hang out with her. I think she wanted me back then'.   
  
Warren rolled his eyes. 'Just give us the *real* details, assmunch'.   
  
'It was a Welcome Back party. She'd been in detox or something. I was minding my own business enjoying the dip when she started arguing with her mom and all her friends at the same time. But I remember this Xander guy was particularly brutal to her. He wasn't holding anything back and the two of them practically came to blows over it'.   
  
They burst out laughing. Jonathan frowned wondering what he had said that was so funny.   
  
'You said 'came' and 'blows', Warren managed to explain through teary eyes.   
  
'Anyway', he continued, 'the party was crashed by zombies and I ran like hell. I figure he'd be the easiest to turn against her. That should get the ball rolling and then maybe the others will fall like a mega domino design'.   
  
'Hey, we haven't made one of those in a while', Andrew exclaimed.   
  
'For God's sake, focus! Ok, I know what we're going to do. If we succeed, the Slayer's going to lose at least one friend tonight. And if we're lucky, she and her whole gang might even die!'   
  
The other two could only respond by pulling a Keanu. 'Whoa!!!!'   
  
'First, I'll plant another one of my chips on her. That'll take them back to the night of that party. Second, Jonathan you'll use your magic bone', he paused to laugh, 'and you'll make the argument even worse by screwing up the conversation. And finally, Andrew, you'll sick additional creatures on them. Combined with the zombies, there's a good chance none of them will make it out alive!'   
  
'Hey wait a minute!', Jonathan suddenly yelped. 'I was *at* that party. I'll get killed too!'   
  
'You could cast a protection spell on yourself', Andrew offered.   
  
'Well, do whatever you have to, but we *need* you at that party. You're going to be our eyes and ears', Warren ordered. The Trio began preparing for their evil deed.   
  
  
  
A few hours later at the Summers home   
  
  
Buffy walked in and was greeted by the gang hanging out in her living room.   
  
'Hi!', Willow said in her cheerful way.   
  
'Hi back', Buffy replied, visibly irritated.   
  
'What's the matter?', Dawn asked her big sister.   
  
'Wills, you remember the creep that bumped into me in the hallway at school not too long ago?'   
  
'Yeah, what a jerk. He didn't even stop to apologize'.   
  
'Well, he did it *again* a few blocks from here. I recognized his outfit and baseball cap. *God*, sometimes I wish I could dust a few humans...'   
  
'Uh Buffy, since you can't harm ordinary jerks on the street, I think it best not to press the issue', Giles advised gently.   
  
'I can fantasize, can't I?', she replied, pretending to pout.   
  
Xander briefly wondered what Buffy really fantasized about. But he quickly chased the idea out of his mind and subconsciously put a possessive hand on Anya's knee. She smiled up at him. They were officially engaged now and he knew he had to change certain habits...even though some habits die hard. He figured it was acceptable to only look at the gorgeous, petite blond who had been his friend, his hero and his obsession for so many years. He allowed himself to admire her curves, which were accentuated by her simple beige dress.   
  
Buffy couldn't help staring at the happy couple. When they announced their engagement on Halloween night - which seemed oddly appropriate - she envied them with a level of intensity that surprised her. Although she felt a pang of regret when she finally realized what could have been between her and Xander, she was happy to see him with a woman who obviously returned his love exponentially. She walked over to a chair and leaned back to sit. Just as she was about to feel the seat...   
  
...she was suddenly standing in front of her mother in the middle of her Welcome Back party, wearing a shiny pink dress.   
  
From his vantage point, Jonathan was overwhelmed by an incredible feeling of deja vu. He quickly remembered his purpose in being there and switched on the minuscule camera on his shoulder. Warren and Andrew instantly confirmed audio and visual contact from the safety of their evil lair.   
  
'You can't imagine...months of not knowing. Not knowing whether you were lying dead in a ditch somewhere or, I don't know, living it up.' By her tone, everyone in the room and at mission control could tell that the Slayer's mom was *very* upset.   
  
'But you told me...you're the one who said I should go. You said if I leave this house don't come back. You found out who I really was and you couldn't deal. Don't you remember?' The Slayer was near tears.   
  
Jonathan whispered into the camera. 'Ok, my spell is going to take effect as soon as Xander speaks, and he's about to join in, so we should see some fist action pretty soon'.   
  
'Buffy, you didn't give me time. You just dumped this thing on me and you expected me to get it. Well guess what? Mom's not perfect, Ok? I handled it badly. That doesn't give you the right to punish me by running away'.   
  
'Punish you? I didn't do this to punish you!', she shot back.   
  
Xander, who was getting more and more angry with every passing second, couldn't repress a comment.   
  
*'Well you did. You should have seen what you put her through.'   
**'No, you didn't. You couldn't possibly have known what it was going to put her through'.   
  
They were all confused, including Xander, because he had spoken in an accusing tone but his words conveyed support and understanding. As Joyce gradually lost her anger, Jonathan struggled to understand how his victims were reacting to his spell.   
  
*'Great, thanks. Anybody else want to weigh in here? How 'bout you by the dip?'   
**'Thank you. Anybody else agree with Xander and me here? How 'bout you by the dip?'   
  
*'No thanks. I'm good'.   
**'No thanks. I'm good'. Jonathan frowned, realising his response made no sense within this new version of the conversation. Everyone in the room stared at him and it suddenly dawned on him that, even under contrived circumstances, he still managed to make a fool of himself.   
  
*'Maybe you don't want to hear this, Buffy, but taking off like you did was incredibly selfish and stupid.'   
**'I know you want to hear this, Buffy...taking off like you did was the best thing to do.' Xander now looked at her with a relaxed, loving face.   
  
*'Ok, ok. I screwed up. I know this. But you have no idea...you have...you have no idea what happened to me or what I was feeling.'   
**'That's right. I thought so too. You seem to know...it seems like you know what happened to me and what I was feeling', she said, her voice barely more than a whisper.   
  
*'Did you even try talking to anybody?'   
**'I'm sure you tried talking to somebody', he added.   
  
'What the hell is happening out there?', Warren yelled into his headset. 'What's with the group therapy crap?'   
  
'Umm...I...I don't know. My spell was supposed to screw up the conversation but it seems like...like their saying the *exact opposite* of what they said in the original conversation...', Jonathan tried to explain.   
  
'Ok, we can salvage this. Andrew send in your demons', Warren ordered.   
  
'10-4', Andrew replied before springing into action.   
  
*'There was nothing that anybody could do. Ok? I just had to deal with this on my own'   
**'If there was something somebody could have done, it would have been you, Xander. I shouldn't have dealt with this on my own, I should have gone to you', Buffy continued, wanting desperately to be wrapped in his strong, comforting arms.   
  
*'Yeah, and you see how well that one worked out. You can't just burry stuff Buffy. It'll come right back up to getcha'.   
**'Well everyone deals differently and, under the circumstances, you did the best you could.   
  
*'As if I could even have gone to you Xander. You made your feelings about Angel and I perfectly clear'.   
**'I should have gone to you, Xander. You made your feelings of support about Angel and I perfectly clear'   
  
*'Look, I'm sorry that your honey was a demon but most girls don't hop a Greyhound over boy troubles'   
**'I'm sorry that your honey was a demon and, honestly, I would have hopped a Greyhound over it too.   
  
Cordelia jumped in.   
  
*'Time out Xander. Put yourself in Buffy's shoes for just a minute. Ok? I'm Buffy, freak of nature, right? Naturally I pick a freak for a boyfriend and then he turns into Mr. Killingspree, which is pretty much my call...'   
**'Time out Xander. Put yourself in *my* shoes for just a minute. Ok? I'm Cordelia, Blessed by nature, right? For some reason, I pick you for a boyfriend and then you turn into Mr. Buffy-I-Missed-You-Much-and-I-Feel-Your-Pain, which I never saw coming...'   
  
*'Cordy, get out of my shoes'.   
**'Cordy, leave him alone', Buffy said.   
  
*'I'm just trying to help, Buffy'.   
**'Butt out or I'll kick your ass, Slayer', Cordelia threatened.   
  
*'Buffy...'   
**'Cordelia...', Willow started.   
  
*'Willow please. I can't take this from you too'.   
**'Yes Willow, let's hear what you have to say about all this', Buffy encouraged her friend to speak.   
  
*'Let her finish. You at least owe her that'.   
**'You're such a good friend to let her express herself', Xander said, deep admiration in his eyes.   
  
*'God Xander, even you could at least try to annoy me on your own behalf'.   
**'God Xander, you could never annoy me, even if you tried'. Buffy smiled.   
  
*'Fine. You stop acting like an idiot, I'll stop annoying you'.   
**'Oh yeah? Well I promise to start annoying you the day you start acting like an idiot', he replied playfully at the odd comment.   
  
*'Oh, you want to talk acting like an idiot, Nighthawk?'   
**'Is that right, *Nighthawk*' she teased.   
  
Cordelia pushed Xander and showed a threatening fist.   
  
*'Ok. Gonna step in now. Being referee guy'   
**'Nope. Not gonna get in the middle of *that*', Oz whispered to Willow.   
  
*'No, let em go, Oz. Talking about it isn't helping. They might as well try some violence'.   
**'You've got that right. There's no reasoning with a peeved Cordelia cause she'll get medieval on your ass! And yet, violence never solves anything!'   
  
'Speaking of violence, you should look outside! Green demons are beating the stuffing out of some zombies out there', Joyce said, staring out the window.   
  
While a fascinated crowd joined her to watch the creatures fighting, Buffy and Xander finally bridged the gap between them. She looked up at him with longing. 'Xander, I thought about you everyday. I missed you most of all'.   
  
'Buffy, please don't ever do that again. Don't leave me. I...I'm nothing without you. And I was sick with worry'.   
  
Jonathan rolled his eyes and finished the dip by himself.   
  
'Ok, we're aborting the stupid mission. *God* you're both morons', Warren sighed.   
  
Buffy was about to kiss Xander...   
  
...when she sat down and felt her bottom rest on his lap. They often sat this way, unwilling to break physical contact even for a moment, if only to sit on separate chairs. Buffy looked at her engagement ring again and smiled. She proudly stretched out her arm to show it off to the gang for the hundredth time. And, being the good friends that they were, they ooooed and ahhhhhed at the shiny diamond for the hundredth time.   
  
'My Baby bought it for me', she exclaimed coyly.   
  
'Wait till you see what I'll give you on our honeymoon', Xander replied teasingly.


End file.
